Mark
by Bulletproof-Cupid-Ewan
Summary: A Story based upon my favourite movie Trainspotting. I do not own all of these characters, only Susan.Please review.
1. Part 1

He's a God. When I saw him for the first time I went crazy. I couldn't imagine that I ever had a relationship with him. I was thinking that he was too good for me. But I still can remember that night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of me. I saw him every week in the pub. He was always the quiet one. And I like that about guys. I don't like guys who drink a lot and become aggressive. He drinks a lot, but he stays quiet. And he's not some asshole that drives after he's been drinking. I don't understand that kind of people. You're risking yours and others lives. But back to my guy now. His name is Mark Renton. His friends call him Rents or Rent Boy, but I like to say Mark. Well, I saw him for like the sixth time in that pub and yes, I was a bit tipsy. I don't know if friends of me have said something to him, about that I like him or something, but it was like half past 2 and he asked me if I liked to go outside because he couldn't breath so well. So I said "Yeah, that's alright mate." We went outside and I asked him for a lighter because I left mine inside the pub. He gave it to me and I lighted my cigarette. " Don't he look good in that shirt?" I thought, but I didn't say anything to him. I just stared at the ground. It looked like it lasted 5 hours before he said something to me. He asked if it wasn't too cold for me outside, because I left my coat inside the pub. "Aye, I'm a little cold," I said and he took his coat off and gave it to me. Our hands touched and I felt a spark between us. He touched my cheek and then he kissed me softly.  
  
From ice cold I went to sweltering. I held my fingers through his hair and it felt like we kissed for 10 hours when we stopped. I looked him in the eyes and he smiled. I went in the pub to get my coat and then walked with him to my house. I was like 23 and I felt like a girl that's 16 years old and kissed for the first time. And I didn't know anything about him. I only knew who his friends were that were with him every week. There was this one guy, they called him Begbie, and I heard some bad things about him. He's really aggressive and he drinks too much. But I'm not sure if those rumours are true because Mark never talks about his friends. Mark never talks about his personal life. He's a quite guy. To quite sometimes. I know him for 2 months now and I still know nothing about him. I see him in the weekend, in the pub and sometimes he picks me up at night to drink a beer. I like him a lot. Sometimes I even think that I love him. And it scares me a bit, because I have no idea what he thinks about me. I know he must like me because otherwise he wouldn't have a relationship with me. And he doesn't do it for the sex because we didn't make love yet. And I prefer to wait some time longer. I wanna know a lot more about him. I wanna meet his parents and I wanna know more about his friends. But that night was great. He kissed me goodnight on the doorstep of my home. There are days that I wish my dad still lived, so he could see or know some things. I think he would like Mark. Mark likes football, so did my dad. I'm going out tonight with him and I'm going to take him to a nice quite place so we can talk a bit.   
  
It's 7 o'clock and I'm taking a shower. Mark is picking me up around 8 o'clock so I have enough time to change my clothes and stuff. And when I was in the shower I thought back about how I came to Scotland. My dad died and about 1,5 years later me and my mum moved to Scotland. We lived in Holland before. I miss it a lot. I lived there until I was 17. I live for 6 years in Scotland now and I love this country. I especially love the people and their accent. That's like the first thing I liked when I saw Mark. The way he talks is like so sexy. But hey I stop talking about him. It's already 7:30 and I still have to buy some cigarettes in the shop around the corner. I put my shoes on and run to the shop. I buy 2 packets of cigarettes and then ran back to my house. He was waiting for me already. I kissed him on the cheek and we went of to the restaurant. When we arrived there, We sat down at the back of the room and we ordered some food, nothing fancy. We talked a bit about my job, I work with children, and then I asked him how everything was going at his home. "Why would you like to know that?" he asked me. I thought it sounded a bit aggressive. " Well, I'm just interested in you life," I said, " I tell you a lot of things about my life and you tell me nothing. I know you for 2 months now and I don't even know what your favourite music is." "Iggy Pop," he says. "Well, that's a start," I thought to myself. "How's everything with your mum and dad and did you see your friends a lot?" He looked a bit angry. "I'm sorry, I don't want to talk about it now." I got a little pissed too. "Well. you say that every time! I know nothing about you! I'm not even sure if you still live with your parents as you said to me 3 weeks ago!" He looked a bit guilty. "Is that it? Do you have another girl?" I asked him.   
  
He didn't say anything. "I can't believe it Mark, I thought we had something together. I thought you were different from the other guys. I thought you were sweet. I guess I'm wrong." I took my bag, lightened a cigarette and said: "It's over Mark, I want you for me alone, I don't want to share you with half Edinburgh!" And I left. When I passed to the window I saw him staring at me, and he had tears in his eyes. I couldn't believe he did this to me. I could see him with another girl if I closed my eyes. I started to cry and I run back to my house.  
  
I was so tired because I cried for an hour, that I slept immediately when my head touched the pillow. The next morning I woke up I looked at my alarm clock and it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I stood up and made me a lunch. I had no idea what to do that night. Should I just go to the pub and ignore Mark? Or should I not go and made him believe I was crying and sleeping in my bed just because he fucked some other girl? I decided to do the first thing. When it was 11 in the afternoon I went to the pub. Mark was already there with his mates.   
  
"Would you like something to drink?" asked Spud to me. "Aye," I said, "a beer please." Spud, I think he's the most normal guy of the group. You also have Sick Boy, he's obsessed with everything that Sean Connery does. And there's Tommy, who has a girlfriend. But I went down their table and only the chair opposite Mark was free. I sat down and Mark starts looking at me. I turn my head to the right, where Tommy sits and start a conversation with him about the football match from yesterday. But I'm not really listening to him. I'm just getting drunk, so I forget that Mark is sitting at the same table as me. After an hour Mark starts to get annoying. He can't get his eyes off me. And I hate it when a man does that to you. So I need to find a solution for the problem. I take a last drink of my beer and then give Sick Boy a long, hot kiss on the mouth. "That will learn Mark to play with me," I thought. I give Sick Boy a last kiss and then went on my way home. I said goodbye to the guys and not even looked at Mark. I thought he would understand the message.   
  
But no, he walked straight after me. I was 2 streets away from my house when he took me at my coat. "What the fck do you think you were doing there?" he yelled at me. "What did it look like?" I asked him and I tried to walk to my house. But he stopped me. He stood still right before me, and I couldn't move anymore. "Mark, go away will you, I wanna go home." "I'm not going away until you explain to me why you did that." "Well, I think it's just the same as you do to me," I answered. He looked as surprised as I would if I saw a naked guy running down the streets. "What are you talking about?" he asked me. "don't act like you don't know, stupid cunt!" I said, "You are screwing the whole neighbourhood." "What? Who said that to you?" "Well let's see," I answered, "You lie about living with your parents, I have no idea where you live, and I know nothing about you, because you don't answer my questions, I think those are enough reasons to believe that." He took my hand, but I took it back. "I don't want to see you anymore Mark, I'm going to another pub. I already said it yesterday. It's over!" I walked to my house while ignoring all the things that Mark yelled to me. I was so upset. I couldn't understand why he wasn't a real man, that admits his mistakes. I couldn't sleep the whole night.


	2. Part 2

She was a cute girl. She was a friend of a friend of a friend. I saw her every week at the pub. She has this cute smile I have never seen with any other girl before. From the moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to be with her and nobody else. But I'm not some guy who has the guts to tell that to a girl. I'm the quite guy and sometimes I hate it. She's gorgeous, and I thought she deserved much better than me. But on that night, a friend of hers, Maggy, came to me. She said that Susan fancied me. I couldn't believe it. I decided to take a chance that night and asked her to walk with me outside. I could see she was a bit nervous, so I asked her if it was too cold for her outside and then we kissed. It felt like the best kiss in my life. Then I walked her home, and we kissed again. I was hoping to get into her apartment, but she didn't asked me, and I found her to special just for a one night stand. So I went back to the pub. Where Begbie immediately started to ask if I had a good lay. I didn't want to look like some geek so I said that she was a beast. He kept whining about her. So I left. I hate that guy. He thinks he is on top of the world. He drinks too much and he fights with everybody. His not even a friend of me actually. The only friend that I really trust is Spud. The other guys are really secretly. The do nice when you are in the room, and the minute you close the door, they make jokes about you. But I have nothing better than them. Well, back to that night. I walked back to my house and went to sleep. The next weeks we saw each other in the pub at the weekends, and sometimes I want to her house on a night and we go out. She tells a lot about herself. That's a thing I like about her, what you see is what you get. She's not some fake girl with a lot of make-up and attitude. And I think she really likes me. But there's one thing she doesn't like about me, I don't like to talk about myself. I think she's far more interesting and she has a much better life than me.   
  
I sometimes feel ashamed of my life, the way I live. I live from shot to shot. I'm a drug addict. And I can't tell her that. I know that she would leave me and I think I don't think I would survive that. So I lie, I say i live with my parents, because my house is full of squirts and heroin. And I knew that one day she wouldn't accept the lying, but I really didn't expect the reason she left me that night. We went to the restaurant. I think I knew her than for about 2 months. We sat down and ordered some food. Than she began to ask me questions. How my parents were, if I saw my friends lately? And I didn't know what to do. So I asked her why she wanted to know al those things. Then she asked me if I still lived with my parents, cause that's what I told her. I couldn't lie to her, so I watched to the ground. And then she began to yell about that it was over and that she knew that I ad other girls and that she hated lying. And then she walked away. I looked at her when she walked across the window. My princess.. And I started to cry. If Begbie was here, he would laugh at me and call me a sissy, but at that time I couldn't care less about what other people think about me. I screwed it. I lost my girl. I went home and cooked some heroin. But it didn't make me happier, it made me feel worse. I dreamed about her that night, but it wasn't a nice dream.  
  
The next day I didn't do anything usefull. I used some and slept the whole day. I wasn't sure if I would go out that night. I really wanted to see Susan again, but she looked really upset when she left me the day before. I decided to go to the pub that night. I was there around 10 o'clock and the rest of my mates were there already. Sick Boy looked like he smoked 10 joints and I think that Begbie already had 50 beers. I said down on a chair and drunk about 15 beers. Then I saw her. She looked even better than yesterday. She looked at me and immediately looked away. Spud asked here if she wanted a drink and she ordered a beer. There was only one chair free, right before my eyes. I saw her face, and she didn't liked sitting in my company. She began a conversation with Sick Boy about football. Like she is interested in what Sick Boy says. I knew that it was just to ignore me. She drunk a lot. She was pretty with a glass of beer in her hand. I stared at her for a long time. And then suddenly she started to kiss Sick Boy. I got really angry, but didn't want to let her see it. So, I looked to Begbie who was fighting with some fat ass guy with glasses. After she kissed him again, she walked to the exit of the pub. At first I didn't want to go after her, but than I did. I run a long way until I finally saw her, about two or three streets before her house.   
  
I took her by her coat and asked what the fck she was doing with Sick Boy. She said: " What did it look like?" And we had this big fight. She thinks I sleep with other girls. I tried to convince her that it wasn't and she asked why I didn't say anything about my life. I couldn't say the truth. I couldn't say: "It's because my house is a meetingplace for drugaddicts and I use heroin too." So I said nothing and took her hand, but she pulled it back, she said she went to another pub and didn't want to see me again. She walked away and I yelled to her that I didn't want her to go away and that I didn't had other girls but she didn't listened to me. I walked to my house and took another shot. It was the sixth that day. Then I lay on the ground and fell asleep.


	3. Part 3

"Yes, an asshole he is! No, I'm not going to come back to him just because he send me some flowers and a stupid card that says: I'm really sorry! I don't like him anymore!" It was 2 weeks later, and I was on the phone with a good friend of mine, Diane. She is from Holland, and she's coming to Scotland in the holiday. That's exactly 3 days from now. I miss her. She has always been a good friend when I lived in Holland. And I know that we see each other as much as we can, but I still miss her. It was the first time I lied to her. I still miss Mark. I miss his smile and the way he looks to me. I went out to another pub last week, but I didn't enjoyed it. And now he send me a card and flowers. He's not the most creative men I know, but in some way I like it. I don't know what to do. I think I'm gonna write him a letter. "Hello Susan, are you still there?" I heard. "I'm sorry girl, I was thinking of something," "I think I know what the something is," she answered, "If I notice that you are dating with that Mark again, I'm gonna give you a punch in your face, do you hear me?" "Yes, I know, I will be very happy if I see you again," I said to her and we said goodbye. I dropped the phone and sat down in a chair. I read the card over and over again. He says he's not dating other girls and he misses me. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about my break up with him. I don't have evidence that he is dating other girls. And if he was such a pimp, he wouldn't do all this trouble for me. In the first week he kept on calling me. I really had to say to him that he only made me angrier by calling that much, so he stopped. It couldn't hurt just to invite him over to my house to talk about it, could it? I picked up the phone and called him. He answered the phone and when I said my name he immediately began to talk. "Look, I'm sorry about the flowers, it's just. I care a lot about you, you know. And I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of stalker, because.." "Mark, Mark, listen to me, I'm not calling you because I don't like the flowers, I'm calling you because I want you to come to my house so we can talk about this thing." There, I said it. He didn't say a thing for a while. Then he said: "OK, Is it ok if I come to your house in two hours?" "Well, can't you come any sooner?" I asked. "No, I'm sorry, there are still friends of me here so I can't go away." "Well, I can come to you, if that's better." "No,no,no, I be at your house in 1,5 hour OK?" And he hang up the phone. He sounded a bit weird, but I said to myself: "Don't judge him before you've seen him."   
  
I have no job. I steal to get money for smack. And sometimes Begbie fights with some stupid American and then steals his cash. Begbie doesn't like it that I use heroin. He keeps saying that to me. But I just ignore him. I think it's my life and not his. I do what I like and I don't give a fuck about his opinion. It was Wednesday, and Susan called me. I stalked her for about 1 week. I called her 5 times a day, on the short periods of time when I wasn't high. But she said she only got angrier because I called here that much. But today I sent her flowers and a card. And she just phoned me. And I thought that I really screwed up with her. But she gave me another chance. She said she wanted to talk with me, and asked me if I could come to her house in 10 minutes. I hadn't showered in 7 days, I was lying on the ground, watching the clouds that I saw on the ceiling. And I fell asleep. I felt so relaxed about her phone call that I felt asleep. She will never forgive me for this. Never. And I will regret it for the rest of my life. I stood up slowly and then put my clothes on, went to the bus and then walked to her home. I live on the other site of town. I live in a squat. I left my parents home when I was 20. I use heroin now for 3,5 years. I have never been a day clean. It's the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing in the evening. I can't sleep well if I haven't used. I feel alone in this world. It's me and the drugs. But I went to her.


	4. Part 4

"Hi Mark," I said to him, "You look a bit sick, is everything alright?" "Yeah, everything's alright girl. Since I saw you." I smiled to him. I think he really meant that. " We have to talk Mark. Please sit down." And he sat down on a chair. I gave him a cup of tea. I thought he looked really sick and I felt sorry for him. "Would you like a cigarette?" I gave one to him. And I gave myself one too. "Alright, to be honest, I missed you a lot. I want to start all over again, but there are things I need to know. I need to know things about you, do you understand?" Mark nodded. "Alright, I think it's nice if I know where you live, and if I know what you've been up to all day long." I looked at him for a long time and he looked to the ground. "Look Mark, if you don't want to tell things because you don't trust me, than I don't want to go further with you. You have to be honest with me."   
  
I had to make something up now. And fast. My brain was working like a maniac. What if I give her the address of Spud and said I lived there? And I can say that I'm still looking for a job. You don't have much jobs these days in Edinburgh. A lot of people are unemployed and are living from money of the state. And so I said that. And she answered: "Well, was that so hard to tell me?" And I saw that cute smile of hers again and she kissed me for the first time in 2 weeks. Oh God I missed her. But I felt so angry at myself for not telling the truth. And then she asked if I stayed for the night. It would be the first one together. And I felt even worse about myself. I really didn't deserve her. But I tried to stay cool and said: "Yeah, off course I will stay here tonight." "Mark, I want to go to your parents tomorrow. I want to see where you grew up." And I had to say yes because otherwise I don't think she would let me sleep that night in her house. "That's alright girl, but don't expect too much about it." And then we kissed and she took my shirt off and. she saw the scarves and bruises.


	5. Part 5

"Mark." She stopped talking. "You don't have to tell me how these things got here, but if you need someone to listen to you, I'll be there." I swallowed. "It. it was my father." "Oh fucking asshole, how can you say that to her? Your father is the most calm guy from Scotland. He can't even see a wrestling game because he says he can feel the pain when someone is hit," my brain said, but my heart said: "Don't tell her the truth, she will leave you." So I continued. "Everyday after school.I didn't want to go home..be..because he slapped me everytime I did something, or didn't. If I went to school, and had a bad rate, he slapped me. If I got a good one, he slapped me. I..I can't talk about it any further." And I started to cry. But not because I thought about the slapping, as Susan thought, but because I thought I needed to cry, just to make it look a bit more real.   
  
Mark started to cry and I didn't know what to do. I was so angry. We are going to his parents tomorrow and I hope his dad is home so I can tell him what I think about him. But now Mark needed a loving Susan and not an angry one. So I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. When he became a bit calmer I looked to his arms and kissed his scarves one by one. Just to show him that there is someone who loves him.   
We continued and we made love like I'd never done before. We really made LOVE. It was not a fast shag or something. And he said things to me that I never thought to hear out of his mouth. He just said what he felt at that moment. He said he loved me. I have never been so happy in my whole life. I thought I didn't heard it right so I asked him what he was saying and he said: "I think you heard me clear enough," and he went with his mouth at my ear, "I love you, my Dutch princess." I was blushing so hard, I looked like an almost exploded tomato. I turned my mouth to his ear and said: "And I love you, my Scottish piece of scum." And he laughed when he heard it. " Well, that's nice, I treat you like a princess and then you call me scum. I think I'm going away now."  
I saw his eyes twinkle when he said that. "I like it when your eyes twinkle like that," I said to him, and now it was his turn to look like a tomato.   
About an hour after that, I slept. But I didn't sleep very well. I was worried about Mark and about tomorrow. I kept having these little movies inside my head where Mark's father is a gigantic man and he is slapping this poor little child.


	6. Part 6

Meanwhile at Mark's side of the bed: I am officially 4 hours, 2 minutes and 23 seconds off the smack. 4 Hours, 2 minutes and 25 seconds. I can't stand any longer. I need a shot and I need it now. I'm shaking.. my hands are shaking, my legs are shaking, even my little toe is shaking. For Christ sake I need a shot. But I'm in Susan's house, if she wakes up and doesn't see me lying here, she thinks I'm fucking some other girl. Wait, there are paid phones on this site of the street. What if I call Mikey and ask if he can bring me some? Fuck, don't have enough money. But wait, Susan's wallet is on the table in the dining room. Oh I'm so fucked up if she sees me stealing money. But I need a shot. I quietly slide out of the bed, take some money out of her wallet and then walk outside to the phones. I dial the number of Mikey and ask him for enough smack for one shot and a clean needle. About 15 minutes later he's there. I give him the cash and he gives me my stuff. I'm not sure what to do now.   
  
Go back and use it inside the house? I walk to the door, but it's locked. The fucking door is closed!! You idiot! It's midnight, you're in the middle of nowhere and you stand here with a needle filled with the good stuff, on your bare feet. What can you do? Ring the bell, wake Susan, and with the needle in my hand say: "Guess what I found on the streets." No, not a great idea. I just use this one, hide the needle somewhere and sleep on the stairs outside her appartment. I think that's much better. And we'll see in the morning what to say to her.   
  
My alarm clock is ringing, it's 8 o'clock. The first thing I remember: Mark's parents today. I turn around to tell Mark he has to stand up, but there's nobody beside me. I get this strange feeling that something bad happened. I put on some clothes and then walk to the dining room. Well, nothing changed from the way it looked yesterday. where is he? I walk to the bathroom, kitchen, but I can't find him. I'm scared. Maybe he didn't want to talk about his father yesterday, but I pushed him too much and he throws himself before the train. I walk outside and then see him lying on the stone cold stairs. With only a pair of pants on. " Mark what are you doing here?" I try to touch his arm, but he feels cold. " Mark? Wake up, it's me." I see something moving, his eyes open up. "Hey!" he says. "Is that everything you have to say? Look, if you were upset about yesterday evening you could have said that to me. Why are you sleeping on my stairs and not in my warm bed?"


	7. Part 7

" Well. I couldn't sleep this night, so I thought I'd go outside to smoke a cigarette, and then the door closed and I didn't want to wake you up, so I stayed outside and then I fell asleep." "Mark, you should've woke me up!! Now you have been lying for 6 or 7 hours in the cold. Thank God it's not winter anymore. Next time you do such a thing, please wake me up." And she helped me to get on my feet. Then she got me a blanket to get a bit warmer. "We have to get to your parents today Mark. Just take a quick shower and eat something so we can go in about 20 minutes." I ran to the shower. My first shower in a couple of days. When I walked to the kitchen I saw that Susan was baking some eggs for me. "You're so sweet," I said and kissed her on the cheek. "Sorry Mark, but we have not much time, please hurry up, "she said. Oh no, I have to go to my parents. I haven't seen them in 6 months. They know I use. I am so fucking scared. What if they tell it to her? I have to speak them alone before she meets them. But how can I do that without making Susan suspicious? "Mark, Mark, are you listening?" "I'm sorry girl, I was thinking about my parents." "Talking about your parents, we have to go now!" We walked to the busstation and took the bus to my parents house. When I got in the bus my whole body was shaking like hell. Susan thought that I was really nervous and that that was the reason I was shaking so much. I couldn't believe her, she's just too good for this world. She let me sit down and she had to stand the whole fucking trip, which is 45 minutes. There is a busstation on every corner of the street so it takes a long time before you're on the other site of town. But she said she couldn't care. There it was, the little house of my parents. I had bad memories about it. My mum and dad were always whining about the drugs. It's the same thing as with Begbie, it's my life and not theirs. Susan rang the bell and my mum opened the door. "Mark, haven't seen you in a long time," she said. "And who's your next victim?" "Mum, this is Susan." Susan looked really angry to my mum. "Mum, I have to speak to you in private, is that ok?" And my mum and I went to the kitchen.   
"Look mum, I'm of the skag. Please don't talk about it with Susan, because she has bad memories about the time I used, Ok?" My mum nodded. "And please tell dad too." When mum and me walked back to the livingroom Susan was sitting on the couch. She didn't look happy. My mum said to my dad that he had to help her with the coffeemachine.   
  
He scared the hell out of me, as he was lying there on the stairs of my appartment. I really thought he was dead. His face was all white. And when he was sitting in the bus his whole body was shaking. That is not normal I think. But I'm not getting involved in it, because he is trusting me bit by bit. Well, we went to his parents. I sat there for an hour and didn't say anything. I hated his parents. They were so ... I dunno, they pretend if everything is alright, when Mark has been slapped by his dad. That is not normal. I felt sorry for Mark. He didn't had anyone, besides me. So when we were leaving his parents, I knew I wanted to surprise him. He was shaking even worse. I said to him, that he needed to go to the doctor, and he said he would make an appointment. I kissed him goodbye when we walked to my house and he asked me if I would go to the pub that weekend. "Well, Diane is coming Friday, today is Wednesday, so maybe I can come Fridaynight." He smiled. "Finally a pub night with you again." And he walked away.  
  
I walked around the corner and took a deep breath. The past few hours I couldn't think about anything else than getting a shot. And finally I could. I walked to Mikey's house and bought some. I took the bus home. I closed the door, took my shoes of, sat down on the carpet, and injected. And I felt so relaxed. Like I almost disappeared into the ground. I heard some music on the background. One of my favourites songs of Lou Reed, A perfect day. And what a perfect day it was. My mum and dad didn't say anything to Susan and Susan didn't ask anything. I couldn't move anymore. The only thing I could do was staring at my ceiling. And slowly my eyes closed.


	8. Part 8

It was the next day. I slept for 12 fucking hours. I got awake because somebody was banging at the door. "Mark, it's us!" Oh fuck, Sick Boy and Spud were coming today for some heroin and beer. I pulled myself up and walked to the door. "Hurry up!" "Yeah yeah, I'm coming!" I opened the door and saw them. "We have been knocking for half an hour man," Spud said. "Sorry guys, I have slept a lot." They got inside my house and Sick Boy immediately got to my store cupboard. "Yeah go ahead, help yourself," I said. Spud went to the refrigerator and took some beers. I smoke a couple of cigarettes and then I took a hit. After an hour the whole room was full of empty bottles and cans of beer, stumps and used needles.   
  
I went up at 8 o'clock. I wanted to surprise Mark today. I called some people yesterday and I managed to get a hold on two tickets for the Iggy Pop concert next Monday. I feel sorry for Diane, because she is all alone that night then, but I'm sure she doesn't mind. In the morning I cleaned my house, because I wanted it to look nice when Diane came. I was done around half past 12. I put some nice clothes on, and buy a sixpack of beer so we can celebrate it. I take a taxi to the address that Mark has giving to me. It looks as a normal house, but when I rang the bell, a woman opens the door. "Aye, what you want?" she says. I ask here where Mark is, and she says that only Spud lives here and that maybe Mark's parents knew where he was. I thanked here and I started to think why he gave this address. I decide to take a cab to his parents. His mum opens the door and I ask here where Mark lives. She looks surprised that I don't know it. She gives me the address and says that I should be really careful with Mark. I almost said something nasty to her, but I was in a hurry so I thanked her and took the bus to Mark's house. He lived on the other side of town. As the bus drives closer to his street, the houses get dirtier and older. And I was thinking to myself: "I know he doesn't have a job at the moment, but does he really live here?" The bus stopped and I searched the house of Mark. It was in a flat building, on the second floor. The windows were full of graffiti. And I got a really bad feeling about this.   
  
Meanwhile at Mark's place:  
Drunk exactly 20 beers, smoked 10 cigarettes and had 2 hits. I'm completely off the world. If somebody screamed right near my ear, I shouldn't notice. I lie on the ground. I see strange colours on the ceiling. I think my ceiling is beautiful when I'm high. I see all kinds of things on it. Colours, animals, rainbows, and faces of people I know. When I'm high, my brain is working in top speed. I think about a lot. World peace, my mum and dad, the government, how shite it is being Scottish, my so called mates, and Susan. I smile when I think about the last one. Sometimes I do see her face really big on the ceiling. Those are the best moments of being high. I'm starting to get back to the world. I hear Sick Boy saying things about Susan. And he keeps laughing about it. I just don't have the strength to do or say something.   
  
I got the stairs and went to the second floor. Those tickets for the Iggy Pop concert were really expensive, and I don't want to lose them to some junk who sells them for the double price, so I watch carefully around me when I walk. Number 16 it was. I'm standing right before number 16. You can't look through the window, because it's full of graffiti. There is no bell, so I just bang on the door really hard.   
  
I hear something. I hear banging on the door. Spud says: " I'm gonna look who it is, guys," and he walks to the door. He opens it and says something I can't hear. I have no idea who's coming to my house on this time of the day, except my mates.  
  
I'm hoping there's somebody home. And yes, I hear someone yell. I hear footsteps to the door, the doors opens, and I see Spud. "Hey mate, is Mark here?" " Hey Susan, we were just talking about you." Spud looked like he has blowed a bit too much. " Is everything alright with you Spud?" " Yeah, everything is great man!" I felt really strange.   
  
Who the fuck is that? I don't recognize that voice. So I yell to Spud: "Who is that? I hope for him it's not Mickey or I'll kick him in his balls!" Spud yells something to me, but I don't hear it. For fuck's sake, talk a bit louder will you, I thought. I just lied on the ground and was expecting for everybody to come here, except for this person.


	9. Part 9

I heard Mark screaming from the livingroom. "Can I come inside Spud?" "Offcourse," he said and he steps away so I could go to the livingroom. I was prepared for everything, but not for what I saw in there. Sick Boy was lying on the floor. The floor was full of needles and bottles. "Hey! We were just talking about you, Susan. About what Mark said about you, that you were a beast." It was terrifying. I looked to the right and saw Mark lying. His eyes were totally white, you couldn't see his pupils anymore. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth. He couldn't look at me. I had to get out of there. I turned around. "Are you already leaving? Don't you want a nice shot of heroin my love?" Sick Boy asked me. I walked straight to the door. Spud was looking to me like I was butt naked. I ran and ran and ran. I started to fight the tears, but I couldn't stop them anymore. I sat down on the pavement and cried my eyes out. Mark, a heroin junk. I couldn't believe it. But in some strange way, I always knew it, I just didn't want to see it. He was my sweetheart, but I wasn't his sweetheart. Heroin was his sweetheart. I called Diane and asked her if it was OK if she didn't come tomorrow, but the next holiday. She sounded worried, but I just said that I had some problems and I had to work some more. I couldn't say the truth, because she warned me for this. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I drunk the sixpack and all the beer that was in my refrigerator. I felt bad after I drunk it all. But I slept immediately.   
  
It was Susan.. It fucking was Susan. I still can't believe it. But I knew that this was about to happen. Because no matter how much you stash, or how much you steal, you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and fuck people over, you always need to get up and do it all over again. Cause you're addicted. It was the next day I realised what had happened. I hated myself. I hated myself for being addicted and I hated myself for letting the heroin control my life. And I hated myself the most for letting my soulmate go. I felt so extremely fucked up that I took a shot. And then I called her.  
  
I just went back from the supermarket, where I bought lots of beer, chocolate and rented some movies. I had sold the tickets to someone else and got a good price for it. The phone rang. I said my name. I hear that it was Mark on the other side of the line, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I interrupted him. "Mark, you screwed it. I don't want a relationship with a heroin junkie. Now just fuck off and stop calling me." And I slammed the phone down. I can't believe he has the nerves to call me now! I find out yesterday that's he's a junkie, and he calls me today.   
  
I hang up the phone. Susan sounded very mad, and I understand that. I slept the whole day and in the evening, Spud came to my house and asked me if I'd go to the pub. I said yes, because I could use a drink. In about an hour I was getting pretty drunk and I got a girl with me. We were almost fucking each other on the streets, and offcourse, Susan walked past us. She pretended to not see me, but I knew she did and I knew I'd hurt her. I said to the girl I had to go home. But I walked after Susan.   
  
I just needed to buy some cigarettes, and walk a bit, to think about some other things than Mark. So I was walking down the street, and who is fucking a girl in an alley? Mark. He really isn't worth all my crying and feeling sick. I have to forget him. So I walked past them and pretend that I didn't see them. I walk for 5 minutes and I feel that I'm being followed. So I walk a bit faster. I'm getting scared. I turn myself and see Mark. "For fuck's sake Mark, are you high again? You're giving me a heart attack. I already told you to fuck off. It's your own fault. " And I walked further to my house and went to bed.  
  
I just didn't had the energy to answer to the things that Susan said on the street. I just wanted to get a hit and cry in my room. So I went home. But her words keep on haunting in my head. Fuck off. It's your own fault. I can't stand it anymore. It sounds dramatic, but it's true. If I can't live with her, than I rather just kill myself. I wrote a letter to her. I took 5 hits in one time. My body started to shake, I felt my heart beating so fucking fast. My head was swelling from the inside, it looked like my brains were exploding. And then it all went black.


	10. Part 10

I was just going to his house, because that girl of him, Susan I think her name was, left something at my house when she asked me what the address of Mark was. She forgot her agenda and I wanted to give it back to her. When I went off the bus and walked on the stairs to Mark's apartment I already smelled the marihuana. He lied to us, his own mum and dad. He said he stopped using. I had to cry but swallowed the tears back in. I walked slowly to the door and then banged on it. But I didn't hear anything. I banged for 15 minutes. I got this strange feeling that there was something wrong with Mark. I don't know why, but I got cold shivers on my entire body. I had to go in that house, so I kicked the door in with my foot. The houses were old, and the doors were rotten. I opened the door and went straight to the livingroom. And he scared the shit out of me. He was lying down on the ground, looking blue, and not moving. I immediately call the ambulance and start to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until the ambulance comes. They carry him on the stretcher to the ambulance. When they lift Mark up, I saw something on the floor, a letter, and it has Susan written on it. I decide not to read it, but to stick it in my coat and go with Mark to the hospital. We are riding to the other side of town on top speed and with the sirens on. When we arrive at the hospital, they bring Mark immediately to the emergency room. I have to wait in one of the waitingrooms. Time has never gone so slow. Seconds seem like hours. And while doctors are trying to help Mark, I think about how it has come so far.   
  
Mark has always been a quite boy. He didn't had any friends at school. When he was at home, he always was writing, painting or watching television. He was living in his own world. And from one day he went completely different. He still was quiet, but he was going out, had some girlfriends and then he began to use drugs. I think he was about 20 years old than, but I'm not sure. I hated it. I knew the drugs would screw him. He left our house and slept in the air, in a box or something. I wanted to help him, but he refused my help. Than he met the guys and he could sleep with them. And he asked for some money from the state. But with the boys, came the harddrugs like heroin. I still can't believe he does that to himself. When he had that new room, we went to it but he was high and we went back home. I really hate the drugs. Mark isn't Mark anymore since he uses. He steals, lies and manipulates everyone, just to get some money to buy smack. But why did he do something like this? I just knew it wasn't an accident. I think he wanted to kill himself, but for what? At that point, a doctor was walking towards me. When he was right beside me he said that Mark was on all kinds of machines and that they put him on Intensive Care. He said I couldn't visit him today, so I better came back the next day. I went home and told my husband the whole story. Than I tried to find the number of that Susan, because I still had her agenda and the letter from Mark.   
  
I had been lying in my bed for the whole day. I felt useless since I found out about Mark. I fell asleep constantly. The phone rang that afternoon. "Aye, Susan here," I said. It was Mark's mum. I had no idea what she wanted from me. She asked me if it was OK if she stepped by for a couple of minutes, because there was something about Mark. I said I didn't wanted to talk about Mark, but she said it was really important. 10 Minutes later she stood on my stairs. I opened the door and excused me for the mess I was living in. I told her I'd broke up with Mark because I found out he was using harddrugs. She looked surprised I didn't know that. She told me about that time when we went to their house and Mark said to her that he didn't want her to talk to me about his drugproblem. I was getting really angry. "Fuck he is an asshole," I said, "he lied to me about so many things." His mum said to me that I had to sit down and she tells me about how she's got to Mark's appartment and how he lied there and that he went to the hospital and he now is in Intensive Care. I cried for half an hour long while his mum was in the same room as me. "You really love him, don't you?" she asked me. And I answered that I truly loved him, but I didn't want a relationship with a drugaddict. And then she gave me my agenda and this letter. There was Susan written on the back, and I recognize Mark's writing. I fold the letter and began to read.


	11. Part 11

Dear Susan,  
  
I regret a lot of things that I did in my life. I regret the fact that I was a pain in the ass for my parents. I regret that I began with taking heroin. I regret that I met my so called mates, except Spud because he's a nice guy, I regret that I fucked up my whole life and I regret that I steal and betray people.   
But I've never regret that I met you. The moments when I was with you, were the best of my life. When I was with you, I didn't need to think about my life, I only thought about you. And deep in my heart I knew it wasn't OK what I did to you. But I just couldn't tell you the truth. I was too scared to lose you. I'm a sissy and I know it. But from the moment you begin to lie, you can't stop it anymore. And you were so nice to me. In the bus, I was shaking because I didn't had a shot in a couple of hours, but you thought I was nervous so you let me sit down. When I look back, I can't believe you even stayed that long with me. And I can't believe I thought that drugs were more important than you. Because they aren't. But I screwed up. And I can understand that you don't want a relationship with anyone like me. But I can't live like this. I sat there in the pub, with all my mates and a lot of other people. But I felt so alone. I felt so alone, because the one person in the world that I wanted to be there, wasn't there. From the moment I met you, I knew what love was. I had girlfriends before, but they weren't as serious as you. And the time we made love, it was the best of my life. I was truly happy. And offcourse you had your bad habits, but a lot of them were cute. Like how you got angry when the computer didn't work. But it's over and I can't live like this. I used to listen to Lou Reed a lot. And everytime I heard his song, Perfect Day, I thought about you. And when I slowly go away from this world, I will listen to it, and think about you, and die happily. I don't want you to feel guilty, this was my own decision. I will always think about you.  
  
Love, your Mark.  
  
When I was reading it, I couldn't believe that it was Mark who wrote it. It was another side of Mark that wrote this letter. I cried because it was beautiful, he said all those things he could never say before. And I cried because I lost him. I gave the letter to Mark's mum and said she could read it here. I went to the kitchen and made 2 cups of tea. When I came back in the livingroom, Mark's mum read the letter and started to cry too. She said I was the only serious girlfriend of Mark and when Mark and I went to their home, she could see that we loved each other. She said she hated the drugs and that Mark wasn't the same as before the drugs. Than she sat down and began to tell me things about when Mark was little, and I really liked to hear that because Mark never talked about it. She told me stories about him and his dad, that he used to hit his dad when he began to use drugs. And I felt so stupid for thinking that his father was the aggressive one. But his mum kept on telling nice stories about how he was before the drugs took over his life. We sat there for almost 2 hours. His mum had to go. She said I could go to Mark the next day and she thanked me for the tea. And then she left. And I went to my cd-collection and got Lou Reed into my player. And repeating Perfect Day over and over, and smoking some cigarettes, I thought about Mark.   
  
It was the next day. I couldn't eat anything. I woke up at 5 in the morning. I put some clothes on and went to the hospital. The woman behind the desk was asking a lot of things to me. No, I don't have an appointment, I just want to see Mark for fuck's sake!! I had to calm down a bit, I was so fucking nervous. I tried to calm down and answer all the questions that the women asked me. She said I was much too early but I could see him for this time. I got to this room, and I had to put a mask, gloves, pants, shirt and a hairthingy on. I looked so fucking stupid, but the nurse told me it was because Mark could easily get infected. So I did what was told to me. And I walked in a small corridor. And there I saw room 2. I opened the door and saw a lot of big machines. And then I saw a thin, small guy lying on the bed. Was that my Mark? He looked awful. I walked slowly to the bed and I got a panic reaction. This wasn't my Mark. I sat down on a chair at the bed and carefully got his hand. And I started to cry. I was so tired and shocked when I saw him lying like this. I wasn't even sure if he was alive. He didn't move. I laid my head on the bed and slowly fell asleep.


	12. Part 12

I saw a bright light. I thought I was in heaven. I saw a tunnel and then.. it all became black again. And I couldn't feel anything. Then my eyes opened, and I was in a white room, with all kinds of electric machines. Oh no, I fucked up!! I didn't die. I truly hated myself for this. But then I looked to the end of the bed. There was lying someone with his head on the bed. I couldn't move but I could speak softly. I couldn't see very well, but I thought it was my mum lying there. "Mum ,mum,wake up," I said, and I saw the face moving. When it came closer to me I saw it wasn't mum. It was Susan. I couldn't talk to her right now. I couldn't see her. I didn't want to see her. I can't believe she's here. After all I've done to her, after the letter I wrote.  
  
I heard something and lifted my head up. Mark was awake. "It's alright Mark, I'm right here with you." And I hold his hand. But he pulled it back. "What's wrong Mark?" But he didn't even looked at me. I didn't know what was going on. "Mark, is everything OK? Mark? For fuck's sake say something!" I yelled. I was scared of myself. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mark, just say something to me, please." But I didn't hear anything. I began to cry and asked him, if the things that were in the letter were true. He still didn't say anything but I saw he was blushing. He was just to scared to say something.  
  
Oh no, why is she here? I asked myself. She probably got the letter I wrote to her. I truly mean everything I write, but I'm just not good at saying it. So I just pretend that I don't hear or see her. But when she asks me about the letter, my cheeks are blushing.   
  
"Mark, you don't have to be shy about the letter, I thought it was really sweet. And, I forgive you for the things you've done to me. I really love you." I said to him and I put my mask off and kissed him on the cheek. His face was still watching to the other side of the room, but when I said that, he turned my way and I saw that he was crying. And I kissed him again. And then he began to speak to me slowly. "I don't deserve you Susan, you're too good for me, I'm a drugaddict you know. And you're so sweet and I feel things inside but I can't say them to you. And all the things I've written in the letter are true and..." I tried to calm him down but he went crazy. "And I want to go off the shite, I want to move on with you and get a nice house and do all the things that Lou Reed sings about and.." He stopped speaking and took a deep breathe. "And.. I love you." And he kissed me.   
Two days later he got fired from the hospital and he moved in with me. He was trying to get off of the smack.


	13. A New Life Part 1

When I was lying in the hospital I realised I couldn't go through with it. I had to stop with the shite. I wanted a new life. I got in this program where you get three shots of methadone each day. So you can slowly get off the smack.   
I began with it on the first day that I lived in Susan's house, December 3rd. When I was in the hospital, I got medicines for the pain. But now I had to live through the day with only 3 times methadone. And methadone and heroin, that's a big difference you know.   
  
It was December 2nd when I got fired from the hospital. I was at Susan's house at 8 o'clock in the evening. I had to pick up some things in my own flat, that would be rented by another guy, because I left it. Susan gave me the key to her house. I really wanted to sleep when I arrived at her home, because than I wouldn't have to think about the shot I usually took around this time of the day.   
I put my stuff on the floor, get a shower and walk to the bedroom. Susan is already lying in bed. Quietly I slip under the sheets and I watch her sleeping. I kiss her carefully, then turn off the light and try to sleep.  
  
I wake up from a loud noise. I search my glasses and when I put them on I see it's 2 o'clock in the night. I turn around to Mark, but there is no mark. I immediately think about that time he was lying on the stairs outside my house. I get out of my bed quickly and walk to the livingroom.  
  
"Oh no, I woke her up," I thought when I heard all kinds of noises. I couldn't sleep so I was going to smoke a cigarette to calm down. In was shaking so hard that it was a miracle that I got the lighter working. I got the glass ashtray and I wanted to sit down by the window, but I couldn't control my hand anymore and the ashtray fell on the wooden floor. Pieces of glass were jumping all around the room. I was scared about Susan's reaction. I was here like six hours and I already broke something. She walked to the livingroom and stood there in her oversized t-shirt.  
  
"I'm so sorry, it's just.. I wanted to smoke one and." he said. "It's Ok," I said and slowly walked to him, careful not to stand in glass. "Just take your cigarettes and come with me," and I walked to the kitchen and made some tea. We both smoked a cigarette and drank some tea and talked a bit about music. God, he was shaking like hell. He couldn't even hold his cup of tea with one hand. But I decided not to say anything about it, because I knew that it was already difficult enough for him. After half an hour we went back to bed. I fell asleep in his arms. He woke up another six times that night. And so did I, but I pretended that I was asleep. I think I will never know how hard this is for him. And it's only the first night.


	14. A New Life Part 2

It's six 'o clock in the morning and I'm on my way to the clinic to get my first three doses of methadon. I couldn't wait any longer. This afternoon I am going to the pub with Susan and my mum and dad. I think Susan knows that I told her lies about my dad, because she liked the idea of going to the pub with them. I finally get in the bus and 10 minutes later I'm at the clinic. I get three clean needles and 3 little bottles of methadon. I get outside the clinic and sit down on a bench. I take off my coat and inject the first dose. Then the next and the last one. And now I have 23 hours to go until my next shot. It's not enough. I take the bus to Susan's house and cook her some breakfast. We did grocery's that morning and watched a movie. And now it's time to go to the pub.  
  
My parents are already there when me and Susan arrive. We talk about music and football and my mum keeps saying to Susan that she is so thankful that she got me in this program and that I finally get off the smack. But I'm not listening to her. The only thing I can think of is a hit. And it's even worse than the last time I had that. I had to do something, and I had to do it now. So I said that I had to go to the toilet, but instead of going there, I went trough the fire-exit. I had to go to Swanney. For one hit. One fucking hit, to get us over this long, hard day. I climb on some beerbarrels and then on a wall and throw myself off it. I run to the busstation and get a bus to Swanney. I arrive at Swanney's and ask for a hit. I pay and he serves me. I take the needle and think. Should I do it or shouldn't I? I do it. I inject it and it's the best stuff I've ever had. I feel like I'm flying.   
  
After a couple of minutes Swanney gets me down the stairs and outside his house. He had called a cab for me to the hospital. I didn't know that because I was somewhere on cloud nine. Swanney throws me in the cab and puts some money in my pocket for the taxidriver. The cabdriver throws me out of his taxi when we arrive at the emergency entrance and then rides away. Two nurses got me on a stretcher and ride with me through the hospital and I see all these people looking at me. Then a nurse hangs over me and keeps screaming "wake up, wake up." " Oh fuck off bitch, I'm feeling fantastic right now," I think. But she injects something into me and I'm launched back into the world. About half an hour later I see my mum and dad and Susan coming into the room. I can see Susan has been crying and my dad looks extremely angry. My mum doesn't look at me. I know, it's wrong what I did, but I needed it so bad. Dad calls a cab and Susan and mum help me with walking to it.   
  
And there we sit. The four of us in the cab. I have absolutely no idea where we are going to. But I will soon notice that we are going to my parents place. My dad pays the cabdriver and my mum and Susan bring me to my old room. It's still the same wallpaper. Little cars all around my room. They put me on the bed and my mum leaves the room. Susan get's my shoes off and my coat and t-shirt and puts an old shirt of my father on me. She puts the sheets over me and gives me a kiss. And she says that she's disappointed in me and that she wants me to get off the shite. And then she walks away. And when she closes the door I hear the extra locks on the door.   
  
About ten minutes later the door opens again and my mum and dad come in with some soup. I'm absolutely not hungry so I turn my head away. "We will help you son," says my mum. "I don't want any help, I just need a shot," I think. I ask my mum if she can bring me to the clinic but she refuses. " You're staying here where we can keep an eye on you," she says. I get angry. " I really appreciate what you guys are doing," I said, " but I just need one more score you know, just bring me one more hit." My parents are walking to the door. " I need one more fucking hit!!" I'm screaming,"You fuck!!" and when I hear the locks again I think Shit!! and then it begins. The junky limbo. Too ill to sleep, too tired to stay awake. Sweat, chills, nausea, pain and craving. I close my eyes and open them immediately. And then I get a fucking headache. And I hear Sick Boy talking. I put my head above the sheets and he's sitting there on a chair and my mum is standing next to him and he's saying stuff about quiting with the shite. If I had the strength I would have killed the fucking cunt. Like he has never used heroin. I put my head back under the sheets and stay there for a long time. But than I wake up and I hear somebody's singing. It's Susan. She's sitting on my bed. Slowly her face is turning into a skeleton. It's the scariest thing I've ever seen. I scream so loud that the glass with water is almost breaking.


	15. A New Life Part 3

We were in the pub. Mark, his parents and me. And then he went to the toilet. But he didn't came back. And I knew it. I just knew that he was going to his dealer. I told his dad that it was his first day with the methadon. And we sat down at the pub for half an hour. Talking about Mark and his drugproblems. And I told his dad about what he said about him. And that that was the reason that I wasn't very friendly that time we went to their house. I could see that he was upset and sad about it. And I could understand that perfectly. We sat there for another half an hour and then we took a cab to the hospital.  
  
I cried when we were sitting in the cab. His mum tried to calm me down and gave me a cigarette. I knew that Swanney would bring him to there because Mark had told Swanney about the program. And yes, Mark was already in the hospital when we arrived. We had to wait for an hour until we got permission to go to his room. He looked guilty. And damn, he certainly has the right to look guilty. He knows that there are three people he can trust and who will support him, and he does something like this. I'm not sure if I can forgive him this time. His dad was still really pissed. He went outside to call a cab. His mum and I got him out of the bed and helped him with the walking to the cab. He looked awful. We went in the cab with four people so it wasn't really comfortable. I knew where we were going. His mum, dad and I have been talking about it when we were in the pub. We are taking Mark to his parents house. His father has called his brother, Mark's uncle, to get extra locks on Mark's old bedroom door, so they can lock him up. I know it's sad that you have to do such thing, but it's really for Mark's health. When we arrive at the house, Mark's mum and I help Mark out of the car while his dad is paying the cabdriver. We walk with him to the door and I can feel he's trying to escape. We take Mark to his old room. There's little cars as wallpaper. My dad loved cars. I had to focus myself on Mark now. His mother left the room and I took his shoes, coat and shirt off and put a shirt of his father on him. I put the sheets over him and give him a kiss. And I knew that it wasn't the right time to say it, but I had to say to him that I was dissapointed in him. Then I walked to the door, closed it and put the two extra locks on it.   
  
I go to the kitchen where his mum is making some soup. She asks if I can fill a glass with water and I do that. Than she asks me if I want to sleep here tonight and I'm so happy she asks me because I don't think I could sleep alone at my home. So I go to my house and pick some clothes and a book and than go back with the bus to their home.   
  
Meanwhile his mum is bringing the food to Mark. She later told me that he was screaming and shouting against him. I just can't believe that Mark is doing such things. His mum notices that I don't believe her and she says that it's because Mark can't get another shot and he get's aggresive. Later that day Sick Boy comes to the house and into Mark's bedroom and he talks with his mum about Mark and his addiction. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. I ask his mum where I can sleep and she tells me where the extra bed is that they have. It's the kind of bed that you can pump up. So I put the bed in the guestroom, pump it up, get my sheets that I got from my house, smoke a cigarette and then fall asleep. And it's only 5 o'clock in the afternoon.   
  
It's about midnight when I wake up. and i try to fall asleep again but I can't. Everybody is sleeping although I do hear sounds from Mark's bedroom. I can't let him sleep alone. I'm so afraid he's going to hurt himself. So I get my bed and walk to Mark's room. I'm wondering how I'm going to do that with the locks. So I got the key from his door, close the door from the inside and put the key somewhere that Mark wouldn't find it, in my bra. Yeah I know, it's not comfortable, but I don't want Mark to find the key and then go to Swanney's again. I see that Mark's been sleeping so I carefully lay down on my bed and try to sleep.


	16. A New Life Part 4

I hear something in my bedroom. I hear sounds all evening long. And it's becoming really scary. I'm in panic. I think it's Begbie, with a knive, because I used drugs again. He said he killed me if I ever touched that shite again. I dreamed about this. Begbie came into my room and he cut me in pieces. I want to scream but I can't. No, this can't be true, Mark, it's just because you didn't had a shot. There is no one in your room, I say to myself. I slowly slide out the bed, but when I want to get my feet on the ground I feel something. There is lying someone there. I get really scared. I see images of me cut in pieces and Begbie standing next to me, smiling. I slowly get out of my bed through the other side of the bed, than walk to the side where Begbie is lying, and I totally lose control. I think about all the bad and fucked up things that happened in my life, and I punch at him like it's a pillow.  
  
I fell asleep about 5 minutes after I laid down. I open my eyes and immediately close them. Somebody is punching me. I tried to push this person off me and yelled: "Stop it! Stop it!" And as soon as I yelled, the punching stopped. I crawled to the lightbutton and turn the light on. I turn around to see who has been punching me, and I see Mark lying on the floor. "For fuck's sake Mark. What are you doing? Asshole!!" I yell at him.   
  
She scared the hell out of me. When the light turned on I expected it to be Begbie but it was her. And I didn't know what I had done. She had a big blue eye. "I thought you were Begbie," I said to her. "Begbie? How the fuck can Begbie come into your room Mark?" " I don't know, I dreamed about it and then I saw him here, with a knive. He was trying to kill me." And I started to cry.   
  
"Oh for fuck's sake Mark, no one is trying to kill you. I couldn't sleep so I though I slept here. I missed you, that's all." And I sat down next to him and embraced him. "Look, I know it's hard for you. But you scared me Mark. And my eye hurts." "I'm sorry, it's just, I see things that aren't there. Have you been singing on my bed yesterday?" he asked me. I said I didn't and he told me all the things he had seen. I thought it was really scary. "Mark, I want to stay here, if you don't hit me again. You're kicking off cold turkey and I think that's the best way to do it for you. I'm here for you so if you see things, just tell me Ok?" Mark nodded. I tried to make as less noise as possible when I got his bed against the wall. I got his matras on the floor and my bed next to it. I wouldn't want his parents to wake up at this time of the night. It was 1 o'clock now. I told him to lay down and when he did, I turned the light off. I laid down too and wrapped my arms around him. I waited with closing my eyes until I knew that he was sleeping.


	17. A New Life Part 5

The next morning, around 10 o'clock I wake up because somebody was kicking against the door. Oh fuck, the door was still locked. I got the key and opened the door. His dad was standing in the door opening. "I'm sorry, I had to lock the door or otherwise Mark may had gone away." I said to him. He said he understanded it, but that he was just a bit worried. I asked him if we could go to the kitchen, and we locked the door again. We walked to the kitchen and his dad got me a cup of tea. I sat down and smoked a cigarette. I told his dad what happened that night, about the things that Mark saw and about my blue eye and the reason why we were sleeping on the floor. His dad said that it was normal that Mark is seeing things that aren't there and that he thinks it was a good thing of me to go to his room, although the blue eye wasn't ok.   
  
Mark stayed in his bed for another 10 days. Of course he went out to take a shower or something but he never left the house because his mum was always watching him. He must have been very bored, so I tried to cheer him up. I got my telly from my house and put it in his room and we watched all kinds of movies the whole day long. I was glad I stayed with him, because in these 10 days I learned a lot more of him than the months we've been dating before. He is so sweet that it's almost unnatural. And yesterday I saw his smile again. I haven't seen that in like 12 days. I really missed that. Just one day and he's coming back to my place. His parents are really nice, I can't say anything negative about them, but you do miss some privacy when you live in their house. I can't wait. It's the last evening at his parents house and his mum had cooked a special meal. Normally his parents don't eat vegetarian, but because it was the last day, his mum made tofu with a lot of vegetables. I really liked it. Mark was not really tired so we watched another movie at his room, but halfway through the film I fell asleep.   
  
His mum waked us up around 11 in the morning. I slept very well, but Mark didn't look good. We eat some breakfast and than I get my tv and sheets and thank his mum and dad. His mum is crying when we leave. I know what she's thinking and I think the same. What if he goes back to Swanney's? We walk to the busstation and I finally have the guts to talk about it with him.  
  
I can't say that the past 12 days were like fun, because I had these terrible hallucinations, but Susan made it all a lot nicer. She brought her telly to my room and we watched a lot of movies. She was there every day. I can't believe she liked to spend her vacation at my tiny room with the hideous wallpaper, watching movies all day long and listening to me whining about Iggy Pop and old movies.   
  
I know that if I screw up again now, it's deffinately over between us, and I don't want that to happen. But it's so difficult to think about something else than a shot. But the hardest part is over now. I have had the bad nights, the throwing up every 5 minutes and the "last week at this time I was cooking a shot" period. I'm thankful to my parents that they did this for me. And I'm embaressed that I yelled at them when it was my first day back at home.


	18. A New Life Part 6

"Mark, now you're back on the street I have to talk to you about something." He was looking a bit worried. "My vacation is almost over. I can't and will not watch you every second of the day, like your parents did at your old home. I just don't have the time and energy for it. And I want to trust you. But if I ever see you in the same room as drugs, I will immediately leave you and never come back, although I love you very much. I'm not having a relationship with drugs, I'm having one with you Mark."   
He was quiet. But than he said he understanded it and he never wanted to touch the stuff again. And I really wanted to believe him, but I just didn't trust him completely. Not with all the things he has lied about to me. But time will learn.  
  
That day I finally had the chance to clean a bit and get Mark's large cd-collection in the closet. And I found out that he was having only two pairs of pants and 5 shirts. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. You can't change everything in just one day. And I don't want to change Mark. I just wanna get him a bit well dressed I guess. He asked me if it was Ok if he went out with his mates to the pub. I was scraed, but I said that he didn't need to ask that to me, becaus he was a grown up men. So he left my home around 9 o' clock. I had a quick shower and then called Diane. I didn't tell her about Mark's problems, I just said that he was living with me and everything was Ok. And she still sounded a bit worried, but also happy for me. And she said that my mum had called he, because there wasn't anyone picking up the phone at my house. And I explained that I lived with Mark for some days. Than Diane told me that my mum was almost back from her holidays (she went to New Zealand) and that she was dying to see me. She came at the airport in two days. I was really excited to see her again. Since I left our house in Scotland and moved on my own here in the other side of Scotland, I didn't see her much. And she was travelling a lot. I talked a bot about a movie that Diane and I saw, then hang up the phone and walked to my bed. In about 10 minutes I fell asleep.   
  
Next morning: Turning in my bed, and searching for a Mark. And find a Mark. I'm happy. He is still sleeping. So I move a bit closer to him and close my eyes again. This is a nice way of waking up, I think to myself. About an hour after that Mark is finally awake. And he looks a lot happier than normally. I say goodmorning and kiss him on the head. He still gots sleepy eyes, aah that's so cute.  
melting Anyway, we do a bit hugging and kissing, and then he bakes some eggs for me. The rest of the day is really laid back. We watch some more movies (I have a very large movie collection) and talk a bit about not so important stuff. And then we go back to the bed and lay a bit down and drink some beer. When it's late in the afternoon and Mark has already had some beers he begins to talk. About that he went to the pub yesterday and he wasn't comfortable there, and than Sick Boy asked him to go to his appartment.   
  
"I had really difficulty with saying no to him. And I'm not sure if I can do that another time. And it wasn't very pleasant yesterday. Sick Boy and Spud can only talk about speed, heroin, Sean Connery and women and Begbie keeps telling these stupid stories of all his fights. When you're high, they seem nice people, but they aren't my mates anymore. I moved on." " What are you trying to tell me Mark?" I ask him. "I wanna get out of here, before it's too late. If I keep on meeting them, I'm going back to my old life soon again. And I don't want that." "Where do you wanna go than? To another part of Scotland? More in the country?" "No," he says," I wanna move out of this country, I wanna go to Holland. I've heard so many good stories about it, and you come from it."  
  
"Well, it's not only good things in Holland," I say, "But I think it would be really nice to live there again, and we can always move back to Scotland or another country." " Alright, so we are going to Holland than," he says and he asks me where I've lived in Holland and when I say I lived in Breda he has no idea where that is in Holland. So I tell him more about it and that I have an old friend there, Diane, and maybe she can help us wiith finding a house. And we have to tell my mum about it, and I really want a house a bit in the country and I keep on chatting to him. I'm just so excited. But also a bit sad because I am really gonna miss this city. In some way I'm loving this city. And there are the bad stuff like the dealers, but I also have the school here, and some other places that I have memories to, like the pub where I met Mark. But Mark accures me that it's all gonna be Ok. And I tell him a lot about Holland and my family and Diane and the food I missed so much. And it's like 12 in the night when I finally have said everyhting I wanted to say.   
  
And I watch to Mark and he's sleeping. "Am I that boring?" I think, but I put the sheets over Mark and then go sleep myself too. I can't wait to call mum and Diane, and I hope we really soon can get a house somewhere near Breda. But I'm sure it's gonna take a long time. but it's better than live here until we're old. Because some places here remind me of the bad things that happened.


	19. A New Life Part 7

The next morning his mum calls me. She's asking me if Mark already did an aidstest. And I felt so stupid. How can I forget that? His mum tells me that I can make an appointment in the hospital and then we hang up the phone. Fuck, what if Mark really has aids? I know we used a condom but that doesn't give 100% protection I guess. So I think of taking a test too. I call the hospital and make an appointment for today. I wake up Mark and tell him about it. He assures me that he's negative and that he never used needles of other people, but I'm not sure if you're really careful when you're addicted. I think it's more like: don't care which needle I use, as long as I get a shot it's ok. But Mark wants to take the test so I'm happy. I don't know what I would do if he or me or we both would be seropositive. I'm scared when we're walking to the entrance of the hospital.   
  
The nurse tells us that it's gonna take some time before they know if you have it or not. It's gonna take three weeks. I already know that I'm not going to sleep very well these three weeks. Mark looks pretty quiet, but I'm sure he's really nervous deep inside. I get called by a nurse and I have to lay down on a bed and the nurse sticks a needle in my arm. I fucking hate needles and that's why I can't believe that Mark has had them in his arms that many times. She gets some blood in the needle and than I can go to the waitingroom. Now it's Mark's turn.  
  
I get called by the nurse and as I walk by Susan, I can see that she's nervous. And I try to look really cool, but inside everything is shaking. I now some people who had the disease and I know it's not fun. A friend of Sick Boy has died because he had aids. I don't want that. Not now I have a nice life. I get on the bed and the nurse get's a needle. I can't look at it, so I turn my head the other way. It's the same nurse that got me when I arrived here for an overdose. She sticks the needle in my arm and I say "Auch!" and she looks to me with an attitude. She takes some blood from me and than I can leave the room.   
  
We have to fill in some papers at the desk and than we can go home. When we are sitting in the bus Susan is really quiet. I'm worried about her. What if I gave her the disease? I would never forgive myself. And I have to wait another three weeks to know if we have it or not. It's gonna be the longest three weeks of my life.   
  
I hadn't sleep very well, nor did Mark. We get out of bed for five times to smoke a cigarette. I truly hate waiting. Today my mum comes back from her trip to New Zealand. She has been there for 9 months I guess. She hasn't seen Mark. I'm dying to know what she thinks about him, and about the fact that we are gong to Holland. I don't think it's a good decision to tell her about Mark's addiction so I won't. Mark and I go with the bus to the airport. I'm glad we have busses here because I don't have money to buy a car and it would have been stolen anyway. Well, we arrive at the airport and as we walk to the exit I see my mum already. I run to her and I cry when she hugs me. "I'm so glad you're back," I said. I turned my head and Mark is almost with us. "Mum, I met someone, he's Scottish, I have a relationship with him. His name is Mark." And Mark is next to me. I can see he's really nervous. I introuce mark to my mum and my mum hugs him. She's so sweet.  
  
Than we get back to the bus and we go to my and my mums home. I hadn't even thought about it, but my mum lives here too. I really want a house of my own now. Well, the rest of the day we talked about lots of stuff while Mark was going to the cd store and he was watching a movie. I told my mum we wanted to go to Holland because I missed it and because Mark wanted something new for the two of us. She thought it was a great idea. I hate to lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth. Not yet. The night was terrible. We tried not to wake my mum up, but Mark accidently throwed an ashtrale on the floor, just like the first night he lived here. He's a bit clumsy I guess. But my mum just pretended as if she not woke up, because she was sleeping on a campingbed in the kitchen.


	20. A New Life Part 8

Exactly one day. One day, and then we know it. The last 20 days went slowly. With the help of my mum and Diane we can rent a house near Breda. I was so happy when I heard it. My mum said she was going to sell the house we were living in now, because it was too big for her alone. And with that money we can pay some new things for our new house. The moving goes with a rented truck, and we go with the truck on a boat. I can't wait till it's time. I have no idea how things can go so fast with the house and stuff but you won't hear me complaining. The faster we get away here, the better. Especially for Mark. My mum found a room in a small house in the country of Scotland. Right on a great mountain, near a little village, so she's happy. She wants to travel a lot more. The only thing I don't have is a new job but I'm confidend in finding one. Tomorrow my mum is gone for two days to a friend of her here in Edinburgh. She hasn't seen her for a long time. I'm glad she's away because I'm not sure how I'm gonna react when I get the bad news maybe. Just let us hope we get good news. I have no idea what Mark is going to do in Holland, because he has no education. Yes, he had a diploma, but he didn't study further. But we will see. Just let this day be done very soon.   
  
It was scary and I was nervous as hell. Me and Mark didn't sleep the whole night. We arrived at the hospital at 10 o'clock. I was trying to look to the nurse's face because maybe I could find out what the results were. But she just looked bored. We got to this small room and we had to wait there for 50 minutes. I think that's just criminal, to let people wait that long. Finally a doctor came in the room with two pieces of paper. And he began to talk. I was negative. Thank God. But I was so much more worried about Mark. And then finally. He was negative too. I couldn't believe it. He used hard drugs for such a long time and he's negative. I was so happy. The whole way back to our home I couldn't stop laughing. And when we were home we uhm.. celebrated it. We didn't came out of bed until the next morning and I slept great.   
  
It's now seven days later. And I have been sick for the last four days. I've been throwing up the whole time and I hate it and I have no clue where it comes from. Mark is already packing stuff because in two days we are going to move to Holland. I still can't believe it. I walk to the kitchen to give him a kiss but I'm half way to it and I run back to the bathroom. I think my mum has been watching me the last four days. She's worried and so is Mark. Mum did some shopping this morning. Just so Mark and I have some food while we travel back to Holland. But when she gives me the bag she gives me something in my hand.


	21. A New Life Part 9

I can't believe how great things are. We are negative, we have a new home, and I haven't used drugs since that time with my parents. I can't wait till tomorrow, when we go to Holland. I'm really excited. But there aren't only good things. I have noticed that Susan is sick. But she doesn't say anything about it to me, so I'm worried. And her mum is too. I have talked with her about it. I haven't talked with Susan about it, because she's so moody. I don't know, it's a womansthing I guess. When her mum is back from the grocery's I go to the shop around the corner to get some cigarettes and walk a bit. When I come home after 30 minutes the house is quiet. I'm searching for her mum but can't find her. So I walk to the bedroom and Susan is sitting there on the bed, she's crying. I walk to her and asked her what's going on.  
  
"I'm.. I'm...I'm pregnant Mark," I say to him when he sits next to me on the bed. I look at him and his eyes are shining and he smiles. I put my arms around him and cry even more. "Now I'm truly happy," I say to him. He hugs me and kisses me and feels at my tummy. "There's nothing to feel right now," I say, " We have to wait a while before we are sure that the child is alright." Mark asks if it's his. "Of course it's yours I haven't been with anybody but you," I say to him and than he starts to cry too. And we sit there for a long time. Until I have to run to the bathroom again.  
  
That's why she's so sick and moody, I think by myself when she runs to the bathroom. When she comes back she talks to me. She doesn't want to say it to anybody, not until we're sure that the baby is ok. And I agree with that. Me, a dad. I can't believe it. What would it be, a boy or a girl? I don't think you can see that now already. I know absolutely nothing about kids. Yeah, I know how hard it is to be one. Later that day her mum comes back and it's hard not to tell her anything, but I do it for Susan. I pack the last things and she wants to help but I don't let her. She needs rest, I told to her. And than she told me that she wasn't disabled, she was only pregnant and she could still lift a box. So, she could pack the small things. The night was really nice. We had fun with her mum and we got to bed early. But we talked for a long time about the little one.  
  
Today is the day. His parents came really early to say goodbye and they gave me some cash in my hand. I said I couldn't accept it, but his mum said she could see that we were made for each other and we could use some help. I thanked her and her dad and mark did too and he talked alone with his dad about something and than they went home. I quit smoking and my mum asked me why this morning, and I said that it was a bad habbit and I wanted to quit and Mark stopped too. I know I'm pregnant so I'm not supposed to drive the truck, so Mark is doing that. Mark, my mum, her friend, and me put the boxes in the truck. I give my mum a goodbye kiss and hug her really good. Than I kiss Mark and I sit in the passengers seat. Mark gives my mum a hug and she kisses him on the cheek. And they talk a bit. I'm sure my mum is now saying to him stuff like: take good care of her blabla. He gets to the truck and we drive away. Men, he's driving slowly. "Can't you go any faster?" I ask him and he just says that he doesn't want to make any accidents now I'm pregnant and that we have enough time to get to Holland. And he's right. And I like it, sitting in this big truck with the three of us. I have eaten three sandwiches fifteen minutes ago, and I'm already looking in the bag with food for some candybars. God bless my mum. I find out that the whole bag was filled with candybars, cheese and coke. Not the drugs, but the booze. And while I'm stuffing myself with it, I watch to Mark who's looking really good behind that big wheel of the truck. And I know that this is the best decission we ever made. And there we go, to our new life.


End file.
